I am going to start off by saying, I like Downton Abbey. I really do. Is it the greatest show ever? No. But, it’s full of rich, attractive British people who lead very dramatic lives. And, I can get on board with that. Here is my problem though, after spending 2 hours with these people on Sunday night, some of them really start to get on my nerves. So, the best way to get out this frustration I have decided is to make a list about WHO I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE. We will start with least likely to warrant a good punch and proceed to most likely deserves a punch and maybe a swift kick in the ass (I’m looking at you Daddy Crowley).
21. Sibi (and George) – You can’t punch babies, people. It is frowned upon. Plus, Sibi might just be the cutest little girl I have ever seen.
20. Tom – You have turned into a badass. And, you have an adorable daughter. Enough said.
19. Anna and Bates – Sending each other Valentines and giving Molesley some money–that is a good way to get in my good graces. You two are too cute.
18. Violet – Once again you are the voice of reason. You are able to get through to Mary and sufficiently tell that son of yours off. You could have been the top of the list, but then again, you did raise Robert, so that is a burden you will always have to bear.
17. Mrs. Patmore – You send Daisy a Valentine so she doesn’t feel left out. Super sweet. If you decide to ask for some help with those electric wonders, I bet she might even be willing to assist. Get up some courage to ask, so you don’t get left behind.
16. Isobel – After some convincing, you decide to help a homeless guy, who you don’t know. You might not even deserve a punch this week, but then again you did let Nanny West boss you about. So a small one, you get.
15. Ivy and Daisy – Ivy turned out to be less annoying and Daisy is cooking badass in the kitchen. You girls are sweet.
14. Mary – Mary was about to land herself high on the list for all the moping about and neglect of her child in addition to her cruel words to Carson, who was only trying to help her. But, in the end, you rose to the occasion and in doing so put your father in his place. I will give you a pass on the other stuff since, you know, your husband just died and all.
13. Edith – You have managed to turn into a smart, beautiful woman who wins best dressed for this episode. The only thing holding you back is your stupid married boyfriend who is about to be a German. Please find someone appropriate to date. You are a catch, start acting like it.
12. Rose – Oh, Rose. Your character needs some more development. Nothing you did annoyed me though (and let’s be honest, most of your story was predictable). You certainly let that nice boy from the dancehall down easy though and for that you only get a small punch.
11. Jimmy – You needlessly tease Ivy and in doing so give Daisy false hope that Alfred has turned his affections to her. I appreciate that you did help Anna and Rose escape the dancehall and since it turns out you might actually like Ivy, you get a pass this week.
10. Mrs. Hughes – I am normally a Mrs. Hughes fan. I don’t know whether it was the stupidity of her storyline this week or what, but her unnecessary butting-in to Carson’s business was super annoying. You would be higher, except you did help poor Isobel and the homeless man, so I guess it turned out okay.
9. Carson – Carson appears to be a man that likes to hold a grudge. And, we have already seen that he is not that forgiving. He did give Mary a swift kick in the butt though (which she needed), even if it didn’t turn out the way he planned.
8. Thomas – Yes, Thomas would normally be higher on the list for the crap he pulled with Anna, but he was the reason that Cora was watching Nanny West like a hawk, so he earns some points in getting that woman fired.
7. Cora Crowley – You aren’t higher on the list because you did catch Nanny West being a horrible person and fire her. But, really, you are going to start trusting Thomas, really? I thought you were a better judge of character. And, why haven’t you got the balls to put your husband in check when it comes to Mary? And, how can you jump to such conclusions about Anna? She has only been one of your family’s most loyal and trustworthy servants. Shame.
6. Michael Gregson – You are ruining Edith’s life. She is a pretty girl who deserves someone other than an old married guy with a crazy wife who is soon to be a Nazi. Start making better decisions. There is a reason her family won’t accept you, it’s because Edith deserves so much better.
5. Alfred – A good punch in the face might wake you up, son. Ivy isn’t interested. And, Daisy is way better. You need to pick another girl or get another storyline.
4. Edna – Now, it took us awhile to remember who Edna was and why she left Downton in the first place (first we thought she was the one who slept with the solider), but don’t worry we remembered. Uggh, why is she back? I don’t need her around sweet little Tom again. And, I really don’t need her teaming up with Thomas against Anna. Get out of here, girl. #TeamAnna
3. O’Brien – You leave in the middle of the night with no good-bye (granted I know it’s because the actress didn’t want to return) and you are the reason Edna is back. If you were still on the show, I would sock you between the eyes.
2. Nanny West – Yup, being a tyrannical a-hole who says nasty things to children gets you high on this list. So does sending away a grandmother who has come to visit her dead son’s child. Shame on you. If Daddy Crowley wasn’t such a d-bag, then you would be number 1 on my list. (Side note – did anyone else find it weird that everyone just called Nanny West “Nanny,” everyone else gets to use their name, why doesn’t she?).
1. Robert Crowley – It shouldn’t be shocking that a man who appears to be relishing his own son-in-law’s death (because it suddenly makes him in control of the estate again) would make the top of the list. Not only does Robert seem to be enjoying the predicament that his daughter finds herself in, but he appears to be willing to take any measure to keep the power. (I seriously thought he was going to throw Matthew’s will in that fireplace, nothing would surprise me anymore). And, could he look any more upset by the news that Matthew’s will is going to stand. Hey, a-hole, your family might not like to remind you that you pissed away your wife’s fortune and ran the estate into the ground, but rest assured I remember. Oh and let’s not forget how you killed your youngest daughter. I rest my case.
I may have missed some people, but punching this many people is simply exhausting.